"I'm the Bearded Lady; Who are You, One of the Freaks?"

OHSU Tram: An obese woman with long scraggly gray hairs dangling from her chin squeals in delight as the car swings crossing the tower.

Music Millennium 23rd: I wander in for the going out of business sale and spot Minnie Driver - of Good Will Hunting, Will & Grace and working in a sweatshop fame - on stage, to play a brief set to promote her new musical effort. I can hear a word she says or sings despite being about 30 ft. away, but her British enunciation was superb. The music had a light, airy coffee shop quality, not bad at all, but not so imminently wonderful I feel compelled to purchase a disc even with her there to sign it. Besides which, since I got too shy meeting Michael Chabon to get an autograph, how would I react to a snippy Brit who fucked Matt Damon?

Old Town, galleries: An art show featuring "regular" people as their imagined comic book super hero archetypes plays in the first floor of a 7 story building. The remaining floors are both empty and unlocked, and in my meandering tour I happen upon a refrigerator stocked to the brim with beer. At the end of the night, I make my way back with a friend and posing as helpful guests, we make our way out with two cases concealed in a trash bag. Needless to say, there wasn't much point in leaving the house for the rest of the weekend.

PSU: Graffiti on wall: "Penis Envy it's a furious frenzy."

Central Library: A pasty young man, out of breath, quietly breaks down jerking his head back and forth scanning the Internet stations on the 3rd floor. On the verge of tears and panic, he breaks into a run. The librarian says, "Sir, if you tell me your card number I can tell you which station you're signed up at," but such is his consternation he passes her oblivious in a blind frenzy.

Someday Lounge: A buxom woman sits outside sipping her cocktail; she complains that her breasts make her back hurt and says she ought to hire a midget to hold them up. "Where would I find a midget who could do that?" she says. "Have you tried Craigslist?" someone offers.

William Temple Thrift Store, Glisan: A woman loudly speaks to her son on her cell phone, "Now don't go blabbing this all around town, but Lydia's a terrible mother."

C.C. Slaughter's: A man of 29, at the oldest, with a That 70s Show retro hairstyle approaches and tells me he's Gus Van Sant - the fifty-something Portlander who directed the aforementioned Minnie in Good Will Hunting. I ask him to name anyone from the cast of Gerry (a terrible, pretentious piece of drivel directed by Van Sant and featuring only Matt Damon and Casey Affleck) and the impostor is unable. Thus my opportunity of spotting two Good Will Hunting Oscar nominees in one month is thwarted.

Max, and the iPod universe: A man who appears to be a middle aged Mormon loudly listens to "That's the Way [uh huh uh huh] I Like It by K.C. and the Sunshine Band; a dowdy girl in a sweatshirt loudly listens to Madonna's "Material Girl."

The Tube: One of our drinking companions returns from the bar announcing that the bartender has "coke boogers."

PGE Park Max station: A man loudly hawks up snot behind me, spitting on the sidewalk and announcing to nearby pigeons, "Yeah, you best get out the way bitch!" Upon hearing a bell he announces to no one in particular, "Does that sound mean the faggoty ass trolley's comin'?"